Friday, September 9, 2011

The Chick Code

With the recent post of the bro code, it was only fitting to post the chick code as well.

1. Chicks before dicks.

2. A chick is allowed to do something wild, as long as the rest of her chicks are doing it. Ex: WHOOing or pretending to pole dance at a bar.

3. A chick will be humored if she wants to carry her little toy dog around in her bag. Her chick-friends have full right to mock her when she begins to accessorize the little toy dog.

4. A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not ever that reason. Note: if you a man reading this, First, let me apologize: it was never my intention for the code to contain this many big words. Second, have you been working out?

5. Whether she cares about shopping/shoes/clothes/makeup/etc or not, a chick cares about the aforementioned.

6. A chick shall not stare at other chicks if they must get naked in a locker or changing room. Jokes about recent weight gain are also strictly forbidden.

7. A chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.

8. A chick always sends greeting cards (even if she doesn't really want to).

9. Should a chick be critically injured, her side-chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt chick does first.

10. A chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her side-chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped side-chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.

11. A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For more effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to move your massive couch and queen sized bed) butter him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even more effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little or "involuntarily" show off your assets while buttering up.

12. On dinner dates, do not eat like a pig. But do not be peckish either.

13. A chick shall always help a side-chick get a guy. Should your side-chick be pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, or married) you are not obligated to help her.

14. If a guy should inquire about another chick's sexual history, a chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the chick questioned about does not look like a whore/prude.

15. A chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a chick is drunk.

16. A chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idol and/or Project Runway; who the new hottest couple is; who the top celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.

17. A chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (that kind of inappropriate).

18. If a chick goes on a wine run at a party, any excess money acquired from the group will be used to pick up additional snacks for aforementioned party.

19. A chick shall not sleep with another chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the chick who has the brother).

20. A chick respects chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more importantly, because they can totally kick your ass when you comment on how camouflage doesn't look good on them or their tragic haircut.

21. A chick may share her observations about another chick's smoking-hot boyfriend, but must then be very careful about flirting and physical contact with aforementioned smoking-hot boyfriend so that chick with boyfriend does not become jealous.

22. Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes they are even better.

23. There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick or "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.

24. Chicks do not flip channels during shows that their chicks are intently watching.
25. If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.

26. A chick does not allow another chick to get a "tramp stamp" or any boyfriend/husband's names tattooed on their body.

27. A chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, or (sometimes) a concert.

28. If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out.

29. If two chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall split a tub of popcorn to save money. However, they are not to share a drink.

30. A chick will, in a timely manner, alert her side-chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.

31. When on the prowl, a chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.

32. A chick will make all attempts to get married before she is forty.

33. When in a public restroom, a chick will talk with the other women in line and politely ask the neighboring stall for toilet paper when she realizes her stall doesn't have any.

34. Chicks never reveal where they get their toys...or that one time in college.

35. A chick never rents or buys porn.

36. A chick does not judge fellow chicks for their decision to get breast implants. However, chick reserves the right to get mad at boyfriend/husband for staring at another woman's fake breasts.

37. A chick has the right to get mad at any man who is not considerate enough to hold a door for her.

38. A chick does not punch, kick or knee a guy in the groin...unless he genuinely and truly deserves it.

39. When a chick exchanges numbers with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" thing guys do.

40. Should a chick get the chance to be engaged to be married, her side-chicks are obligated to be happy for her...even if aforementioned fiance is a douce-bag.

41. A chick is always allowed to cry. Doing it on command is even better.

42. Upon greeting another chick, a chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, or light ass smack, but never a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians.

43. A chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.

44. A chick may assist in the application of sunscreen to another chick in any areas that are unreachable.

45. A chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not completely prohibited. And is deemed fully acceptable in cases of bachelorette parties.

46. If a chick is seated next to a chick who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has been talking absolutely nonstop; is snoring; makes the chick get up more than once to use the restroom; or is really fat.

47. A chick loves pink, regardless if she really does love pink.

48. A chick does not publicly share how many men she has slept with. Exception: during games of Truth or Dare/Have You Ever.

49. When asked by a hot guy if she needs help, a chick always says yes, regardless if she needs help or not.

50. If a chick accidentally brushes up against another chicks boobs, both will carry on like nothing had happened. If a chick accidentally brushes her boobs against a guy, she will look at him coyly and pretend that nothing happened.

51. A chick checks out another chick's blind date. Chick is still obligated to go on date and give guy a chance, even if report is bad.

52. A chick is required to remember side-chick's birthdays, anniversary and childrens' birthdays.

53. Even in a drought, a chick washes her hands and face on a regular basis.

54. A chick is required to go out with her mother on mother's day and fellow single-chicks on a bro-bashing Valentine's day.

55. A chick is always allowed to borrow another chick's clothes, shoes, and purses.

56. A chick is required to alert her fellow chicks when the Guy-to-Chick ratio at a party falls below 3:1.

57. A chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she knows what it is.

58. A chick always alerts her fellow chicks when they are starting to grow a mustache.

59. A chick always brings her jailed chick the necessities (2 ply toilet paper, lip gloss, and accessories to go with her prison jump suit).

60. A chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.

61. A Chick will always alert the significant other of her side-chick's life to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, or other important events as well as an appropriate gift for the occasion. She will never alert side-chick she disclosed this information.

62. In the event that two chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target.

63. A chick will always be supportive of her fellow-chick's decisions, even if they don't agree.

64. A chick will always offer extra tickets to her side-chicks if she is unable to acquire a date.

65. A chick can buy any type of drink she wants, as it is completely acceptable to drink anything from cheap beer to fruity umbrella drinks.

66. When a chick is upset about breaking up with or getting dumped by her significant other, fellow chicks will bring ice cream, tissues, and chick flicks to sit and cry with her and help her feel better.

67. A chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk or get drunk.

68. Should you know for a fact that your side-chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she MUST tell her, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.

69. Duh?!?

70. A chick will drive another chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up-both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general well-being, and at least offer to help her with her luggage.

71. Chicks will travel in packs. Groups of three or four are most preferable.

72. A chick always spell-checks.

73. When a group of chicks are at a restaurant, they will split the check.

74. Yellow lights are an option-either slow down and accept the red light, or speed up and get across while you can.

75. A chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is).

76. A chick will only outwardly be upset at her significant other in private. Chicks are courteous and don't want to embarrass their significant other.

77. Chicks are expected to snuggle and cuddle, whether they like to or not.

78. A chick will never jock-block.

79. At a wedding, a chick will be excited for the bouquet toss, even if she isn't.

80. In the event a chick is going to have a sexual event with more than one partner, she will be discreet.

81. A chick always makes sure the toilet seat is down, and leaves it down for all subsequent chicks.

82. If two chicks get into a heated argument and one says something out of line, they are expected to take it back or apologize.

83. Although not forbidden, chicks do not date coworkers.

84. A chick will stop whatever she is doing if The Notebook or an America's Next Top Model marathon are on TV.

85. If a chick buys a new car, she is expected to buy matching license plate covers immediately.

86. A chick shall make all attempts to hide any crazy tendencies from a guy until they are in a committed relationship.

87. A chick never questions another chick's number of shoes collection, how old they really are, or what their natural hair color is.

88. If a chick drives another chick's car, she may adjust the seat and mirrors. However, she must make all attempts to put them back in their original position when done.

89. A chick always supports her fellow chicks.

90. A chick always brings a bottle of wine to a party.

91. Chicks don't do nicknames.

92. Chicks do not do "booty calls". Chicks regularly go home with the "wrong guy" in an attempt to change him and get him to commit to a relationship.

93. White chicks do not talk "gangsta".

94. Chicks will alert a fellow chick when they are starting to get fat.

95. Chicks will alert fellow chicks to a hottie.

96. Chicks will go to the spa at least once a year. At a minimum, they will see the hair dresser and nail stylist in one day.

97. Chicks don't really care where other chicks went to college.

98. A chick will alert her fellow chicks immediately if she is at a sausage-fest full of hotties.

99. If a chick is lost, she will promptly stop and ask for directions.

100. When at a stoplight a chick will text, whether it is legal in her state or not.

101. If a chick tells another chick a secret, she will promise to take it to the grave. However, she will promptly swear other chicks to secrecy and tell them the secret.

102. A chick will take great care in selecting her outfit for all outings.

103. A chick never wears Christmas colors when it is not Christmas.

104. The father of a chick is always off limits.

105. If a chick isn't invited to another chick's wedding, she will keep the fact that she is upset to herself. Out of courtesy, she doesn't want to upset the bride. However, she can freely share her disposition after the event.

106. A chick always accepts free drinks at a bar, even if she has no interest in the guy they come from.

107. A chick never lets her fellow chicks out in public when they don't look good.

108. If a chick forgets another chicks name, she will shamefully admit it, and ask for their name.

109. When chicks are at a sporting event and see themselves on that big tv thing, they will wave or blow kisses. The duck face, however, is strictly forbidden.

110. If a chick is hitting it off with a guy, her friends will steer clear, as not to ruin her chances.

111. If a chick discovers that another chick has not signed out of her email, she will sign her out...after looking briefly at any interesting-looking messages.

112. Chicks always sing along to their favorite songs at the bar...and in the car.

113. A chick does not date an older guy for money, only for love.

114. If a chick needs to stay with another chick for an extended period of time, she will offer to split any living expenses.

115. A chick will only go without clothing at a clothing optional beach in Europe.

116. A chick will not purposely ruin another chick's chances at a guy.

117. A chick never relinquishes control of her cell phone.

118. A vegetarian chick does not force her non-vegetarian friends to eat tofu. It's disgusting.

119. If a chick owns a convertible, she will put the top down and take her friends for a ride when the weather is nice.

120. It is acceptable for chicks to call guys by the first or last name. Other chicks are to be referred to by their first names.

121. If a chick doesn't know how to do something, she will ask.

122. A chick has the right to be moody.

123. When chicks are dancing together, it is fully acceptable to be touching.

124. A chick will let a guy win at least 50% of the time, as to not hurt his ego.

125. If a chick has a fellow chick following her in traffic, she will make sure her friend is always in her sight.

126. Chicks do not watch videos of the adult entertainment variety in public. Watching adult entertainment videos is restricted to time with their significant other, even then, it is to be lied about.

127. A chick shall always help another chick reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with some unknown dude or continuously hitting on other women. Unless she's a lesbian, then that would be normal.

128. A chick will always be color-coordinated.

129. If a chick lets another chick borrow a DVD, CD, or article of clothing, she will expect it back in a reasonable amount of time. If it is not return, chick reserves the right to use the failure to return in a future argument.

130. If a chick is in a car accident, fellow chicks will ask if she is ok, and then immediately proceed to blame the other driver (especially if it was a man). We cannot give hype to the blatant lie that women are bad drivers.

131. A chick should know how to change a flat tire. If she doesn't, a chick is required to know at least one guy who knows how to change a tire, and how to use sexual innuendos to get him to come and help change your flat tire regardless of the place or time.

Contributed by J.L.Quick of The Military Is My Husband's Mistress