Friday, September 9, 2011

The Bro Code - Revised edition

Here are the Articles as given to us by the creator of Bro Code, Barnibus Stinson and edited by his descendent, Barney Stinson:

1. Bros before Hos.

2. A Bro is alway entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.

3. If a Bro gets a dog it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

4. A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason... no, not even that reason.

5. Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

6. A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

7. A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after the accident.

8. A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

9. Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness his fellow Bros shall not make lame jokes.

10. A Bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

11. A Bro may ask his Bros to help him move, but only after giving an honest estimate of time commitment and large pieces of heavy furniture.

12. Bros do not share dessert.

13. All Bros shall dub one of their Bros their wingman.

14. If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual history, a Bro will honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Unless said chick is really hot and your Bro has a disease that would spoil her for future Bros.

15. A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.

16. A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, Playmate of the Year.

17. A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his coworkers unless they are below him on the Pyramid of Screaming.

18. If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess money accrued after canvasing the group.

19. A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister.

20. A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend their country.

21. A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend.

22. There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

23. When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs.

24. When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12, 6, or 1 o'clock.

25. A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a tattoo, unless it is particularly bad ass. But a Bro shall never get a tattoo with a chicks name.

26. Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

27. A Bro never removes his clothing in front of other Bros, unless in a locker room or incredibly drunk. If said Bro is incredibly drunk all fellow Bros must encourage said Bro to put his clothes back on.

28. A Bro will, in a timely manner, inform his Bro of a Chick fight.

29. If two Bros decide to catch a movie they shall not see a show that begins after 4:40.

30. A Bro doesn't comparison shop.

31. When looking to hook up, a Bro always starts with the hottest chick first, because you never know.

32. A Bro tries to not allow another Bro to get married before he is 30.

33. When in a public bathroom a Bro stares straight ahead when at a urinal.

34. Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way (two dudes, one chick).

35. A Bro never rents a chick flick.

36. When quesitoned in the company of a woman, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

37. A Bro is under no obligation to hold a door for anyone, but it does make a Bro look classier if he does.

38. Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

39. When a Bro gets a chicks number he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

40. Should a Bro become stricken by "Engagement" his Bros are obligated to stage an intervention to save him. This is more commonly called a "Bachelor Party".

41. A Bro never cries unless it is the worst of situations (i.e. the loss of a parent or friend, the loss of a classic car).

42. Upon greeting another Bro a Bro may engage in a hand shake, high five, fist hump, or Brohug, but never a full embrace.

43. A Bro loves his country, especially if that country is America.

44. A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

45. A Bro should not wear jeans to a strip club.

46. A Bro shall yield all of a shared armrest to another Bro that is in the middle seat on an airplane.

47. A Bro never wears pink, unless in an attempt to hook up with a hot chick.

48. A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged.

49. When asked "Do you need some help?" a Bro automatically responds "I got it." regardless of whether he needs help or not.

50. If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage while walking, both Bros silently agree to carry on as though nothing happened.

51. A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

52. A Bro is not required to remember another Bro's Birthday, but a phone call now and then wouldn't kill him.

53. Even in a drought, a Bro always flushes twice.

54. A Bro is required to go out on St. Patty's Day and other official Bro Holidays, including Halloween and New Years Eve.

55. Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows or lends clothes to another Bro.

56. A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1.

57. A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

58. A Bro doesn't grow a mustache.

59. A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive.

60. A Bro shall honor thy father and thy mother, for they were once Bro and Chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in this capacity.

61. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make this information available for his Bro, regardless of whether or not he thinks his Bro already knows.

62. In the event that two Bros lock onto the same target the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time than the first to count to ten gets dibs.

63. A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.

64. A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves said Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

65. A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.

66. If a Bro suffers pain from a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary – deserved or not – regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.

67. Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.

68. If a Bro is on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possibly to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporarily immigrating to a foreign country.

69. Do I really need to explain this one?

70. A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on-time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.

71. As a courtesy to Bros the World over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.

72. A Bro never spell-checks.

73. When a group of Bros is in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying for the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to split the check, each Bro shall act upset rather than enormously relieved.

74. At a red light, a Bro shall inch as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediatley honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he has a chance to make it through the intersection before the light turns red.

75. A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick.

76. If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you," he shall excuse himself from the room or take on a sub-sonic Barry White-esque tone.

77. Bro's don't cuddle.

78. A Bro shall never Rack Jack his wingman.
Rack jack - To steal a wingman's quarry, often with mailcious or premeditated intent.

79. At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and fiegn interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall accept it lightheartedly, and not act horrified at the prospect of being the next Bro to fall. He shall immediately rush to the bar for a stiff drink or shots.

80. A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle, short of finishing the tricycle himself.

81. A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.

82. If two Bros get into a heated arguement over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to "take it back" or "apologize" to make amends. That's just inhuman.

83. A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever "love" thy neighbor.

84. A Bro shall stop whatever he is doing and watch Die Hard ,The Godfather 1 and 2, Goodfellas, or Predator if they are on TV.

85. If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.

86. When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the hot/crazy scale before pursuing her.

87. A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask said Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.

88. If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, mirrors, or seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

89. A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.

90. A Bro shows up at a party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink.

91. If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent more demeaning nickname.

92. A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.

93. Bros don't speak French to one another.

94. If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new role, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees.

95. A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be issued verbally.

96. Bros shall go camping at least once a year, or at least try to start a fire.

97. Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend.

98. A Bro never lies to his Bro's about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.

99. A Bro never asks for directions when he's lost.

100. When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.

101. If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave. This is what makes them Bros, not chicks.

102. A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.

103. A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks to it.

104. The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the step-mom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates it.

105. If a Bro is not invited to another Bros wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it.

106. Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.

107. A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging.

108. If a Bro forgets a guy's name, he may call him "brah", "dude", or "man", but never "Bro".

109. When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing their team is number one, despite and objective rankings to the contrary.

110. If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, a Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.

111. If a Bro has discovered that another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his e-mail, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.

112. A Bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar.

113. A Bro abides by the accepted age difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.

114. If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of the toilet paper and cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than a month, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

115. A "clothing optional" beach doesn't actually mean "clothing optional" for Bros.

116. A Bro shall not kill another Bro or another Bro's chance to score with a chick.

117. A Bro never willingly relinquishes control of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up and manually changing the channel.

118. When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.

119. When three Bros share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for a Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to ride a motorcycle, unless the motorcycle has a side car...a Brotorcycle.

120. A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.

121. Even if he's never skied before a Bro never trifles with the bunny slope.

122. A Bro is always psyched. Always.

123. Two Bros will always maintain at least a 3 foot radius from each other whenever dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least, not often.

124. If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or make a gutterball while bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

125. If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a BroTrain, he is required to try to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

126. In a scenario where two Bros are watching entertainment of an adult variety, one Bro is forbiden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in any capacity. This also includes high fives, fist pounds, and even winking.

127. A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from a pervious night, unless those events involve hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you man," to all his Bros.

128. A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team.

129. If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeaths it back to him.

130. If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffice accident, he must first ask what kind of car he collided with and if it got totalled before asking if his Bro is ok.

131. While a Bro is not necessarily required to know how to change a tire, but he is required to take out the jack and at least stare at the flat for a while.

1 comment:

  1. Barney is hilarious on How I Met Your Mother. I didn't know that he just revised it. Very funny!


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