Thursday, December 13, 2012

The New American Christmas

For those of you that believe that Christmas is about Jesus and Christian beliefs, here in new America you are considered Bible Thumpers.  Let's face it, here in New America Christmas is about the following:

  • Rude and inconsiderate behavior
  • Buying stuff that nobody really wants
  • Giving stuff to people that do not really care but you want to look good
  • Putting up colorful decorations and killing a tree to put in your house.
In New America, Christmas is about What can I get people to give me.  With the fact that unemployment is still high.  People need money and stuff.  We talked a little bit about how to get money during the holidays. This can just be the start of making money.  Since it is the holiday season the New American needs to be inventive and have a supplement to their income stream.  We can use the points I listed above to our advantage.

I propose the following method to supplement any New Americans income.  However to accomplish this you will need some important work tools.

  1. Large red pot
  2. A red blazer
  3. A hand held bell
  4. Santa Suit*
  5. You Child*
* Optional

Now just go to any local grocery store or shopping center and talk to management.  Explain that you are collecting money for the local charity.  Ask to stand in front of the store or mall.  Here is what you will find will happen:

Most people that go shopping for stuff that nobody needs will feel like they need to donate money in order to make up for all the rude inconsiderate things they have done over the past few days.  Like they are atoning for their wrong doings.  Given a high traffic location you should easily collect $500 to $1000 in 4 hours.  If you have the optional Santa suit and or young child asking for money.  You will probably see a 25% higher take.  Christmas Eve will be your best day.  Do the math.  Your unreported income is only limited by the number of days you can schedule to collect the money.

Now if you have the child or better yet, children.  You will be able to extend your collections into the year.  We have all seen the sports teams collecting money for their team events.  Simply dress your kids up in the seasonal sports uniforms.  During Soccer season they can be soccer players.  You can also purchase boy scout and or Girl Scout uniforms at your local Army Navy store.  These are very effective at collecting money.  Simple, effective and proven successful.  Your income for the day will be lower than during the holiday season but still easy to collect.

In the New America it is our American obligation to use all the resources at our disposal to survive and have money to pay for our useless gadgets and stuff.  After all, we are entitled to everything we want.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

New years resolutions in the New America

I gave everyone my new years resolutions last year.  I must say I have been very successful.  Kept everything that I said I would keep.  Can you say the same.  Not if you are part of the 97%.  That is 97% of the people that create New years resolutions drop out after 30 days of trying.

Here in New America we do not need New Years resolutions.  Uncle Sam has already set our goals and ambitions for us.  So for everyone in New America (This means you) here are your new years resolutions:

1.  Earn less, pay more taxes.
2.  Plan a new Workman's comp claim.
3.  Plan and execute a new slip and fall routine for next Christmas season buying.
4.  Download as much free copyrighted material as possible using VPN services.
5.  Take the largest mortgage possible on my home.
6.  Earn unreported cash as often as possible
7.  Buy a gun and learn how to use it.

As New Americans, we need to stay focused on the goal.  Stay the course and achieve our goals.  With only 3% of those who try will actually achieve success.  We all have the drive deep down to accomplish anything we set our minds to, will you join me?